hamthorpe.

most of my daily interactions amount to nothing more than mind-numbing small talk. i take full responsibility for these sad little games of relational catch, and i apologize for the lack of depth or passion in our exchanges. so, to combat this superficial car salesman mentality, here are some of my deepest darkest secrets:

- i think cyndi lauper is hot. good lord she's hot. she shaved checkmarks into the side of her head and i've seen less eccentric circus clowns. i don't care. cyndi lauper is hot. i'm not even going to try to understand it, i'm just going to accept the fact that i'm different, embrace my individuality, and youtube time after time for the rest of the afternoon. holy crap she's hot.
- i didn't vote this year. i wanted to, but i would have had to fill out an absentee ballot and that's like five minutes of paperwork that i just couldn't handle. had i voted, i would have written in david hasselhoff... just for funsies.
- on friday morning, i shot a duck in the head from 20 feet with what might as well have been an elephant gun. i predict that it will be delicious.
- my best friend and i cheated on several social studies and science tests in the 5th grade. worse than that, we're certain that our teachers knew we were doing it. they never said a thing. we never confessed. i still can't locate switzerland on a world map.
- i've never been able to sit through an entire james bond movie. i find them about as exciting as spice racks or dental floss or wall paper.
- i find the recession kind of exciting. the prospect of another great depression could prove to be a ray of hope for a pathetically materialistic culture. i fondly imagine what it would be like to lose everything i have and be forced to scrounge for the necessities. bring it on. eat more possum.
- much of the bible still confuses me.
- i used to moon trailer parks for fun. we'd lay on the horn and drive by at 5 mph with 3 of us hanging out the windows. i sincerely apologize to the residents of the shady maple trailer park. no one should have to see that.
- i peed myself during a little league game one time, leaving a small puddle right next to third base. a few innings later, someone slid into that base. i felt no remorse, because i believed that my punishment had already come in the form of severely chapped legs and a sense of paralyzing shame.



seen twilight?
would you get the same movie if you put the lost boys, harry potter, and the notebook in a blender?

shunned from AP's top 100 movies of all time?
this little gem:

pain don't hurt.

here's some stuff i want to know:

- would It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia be better off without danny devito? does anyone else think he was added to the cast because they could have him, not necessarily because they should have him? i don't think he necessarily detracts from the brilliance of the show, but i feel as though his contribution to the show is superfluous. is less more in this instance?
- what moves you? i'm sure we can all come up with the obligatory and cliche answers, but what is it about our existence that compels you to look forward to another day?
- let's say you die and ascend into heaven. it turns out that heaven is, in fact, accurately depicted by the cheesy pastel christian artwork and kindergarten folklore that we're all familiar with. people are actually playing harps, wearing comfortable white bathrobes, walking amongst white clouds, and wearing identical content/blank smiles. you are welcomed by Peter and he gives you a choice. you can remain here in heaven or you are given the option to relocate yourself to "the other place" which Peter assures you is not hell... simply an alternative to heaven. he cannot give you the details about the other place, but he does tell you that 20% of people who are admitted into heaven choose the alternative. he gives you 15 minutes to choose. which option do you pick?
- reflexively, how does your mind react when someone mentions rob bell? positively or negatively? why? and has your opinion of him ever changed? why?
- when you go golfing, do you buy tees or just use the longest broken ones you can find on the tee blocks?
- think nickelback sucks? me too.
- in your mind, which judd apatow movie is the best? was your decision based on the level of humor, the quality of the film-making, your ability to relate to the characters or situations, or some other element?
- you are forced at gunpoint to listen to one band and one band only for the rest of your life. from here on out, the only music you will ever hear will be played by this band. furthermore, you must pick one of these three bands: green day, alice in chains, or staind. first of all, welcome to hell. second, which did you pick and why?
- think about the greatest thing that you ever done in your life. now, think about the worst thing that you have ever done in your life. think about what motivated you to do the former. think about what motivated you to do the latter. how similar are those motives? what made the difference?
- listen to npr on a regular basis? what possessed you to start? were you excited about the content or just sick of the garbage on the rest of the fm?
- when was the last time you hugged a stranger? someone you knew, but not that well? someone that wasn't a close friend or family member? did you throw in a little sniff just to make things awkward?



confession:
i stole 2 of these from the book chuck klosterman IV. i highly recommend it.

confession:
i really liked the legend of bagger vance.

hip hop gangster shoutout to:
dan kalbach. since soft bombing is doing so well, has my painting of the robots with horse hearts increased in value?

today's debate: is it wrong to be strong? you be the judge.

for six weeks now my right hand and wrist have been covered by a sleeve of stiff, odorous, vile itchiness that masquerades as a cast. i shower with food lion bags covering my hand, making the already ridiculous reflection of my naked body all the more absurd... and sad. i cry tears of anger and frustration every morning as i struggle to open my chewable vitamins. friday morning at breakfast, a 70 year old man cut my ham into small, manageable chunks because he felt sorry for me.

robbed of my ability to participate in most physical activities or hobbies that require hands, i've spent the last month and a half repeating the same basic daily routine:

- wake up
- shower
- curse facebook for consuming my life
- work on stuff
- eat some stuff
- go to the high school
- do stuff with or around kids
- eat some stuff
- do more stuff with kids/my wife
- watch 2 hours of 30 rock/heroes/the office/sunny
- pass out
- yell at my wife in my sleep for withholding licorice from the talking marmot in the top hat at the foot of my bed.



i miss my right duke ("sir reginold hollowbottoms", is his boxing name). i miss the high fives. the handshakes. the gang signs. writing. air guitar. being able to apply deodorant to my left armpit.

tomorrow afternoon, this thing comes off. the plaster gets sawed. the filthy gauze gets torn asunder. the pins get yanked from my thumb and wrist. the lotion goes on the skin. the ben wygant takes a victory lap around the office, does his best defiant braveheart freedom scream, then heads to physical therapy to squeeze a stress ball for 45 minutes ("that'll be $400 please").

then, tuesday morning, i'm totally pulling up my pants all by myself. handle it!




i miss my altoona kids:
- "dude, you gotta get back on the horse."
- "no dude, i'm chris reeves-ing it."

confession:
i went to a rotary meeting friday morning. i'm sorry. i'm so sorry.

doesn't suck at all:
30 rock. mmm... you look like a baby.