Wednesday, April 29, 2009

"It's... I'm gonna do all the grocery shopping for the White House myself."

I remember the first time I met Kyle Taylor. As I arrived to a meeting of fellow college students with the intention of eating some free food and throwing a smattering of game at assorted comely lasses, a scruffy yet handsome sasquatch of a man approached me from the guacamole bowl. "What's up dude, I'm Kyle," he said with a toothy grin and a hint of mischief in his voice. As I shook his meaty man-hand, he proceeded to thwack me in the 'nads with his left hand, never breaking eye contact. "Welcome!" he said as I so rudely coughed up one of my boys on his shoes... Those shoes. I was transfixed by this perplexing Picasso-esque set of footwear. They closely resembled the type of kicks I could imagine a young Jesus Christ sporting... a sandal that securely wrapped the entire foot with a strap material that looked like it was stolen from a passed out wookie's t-shirt after a long night at Bonnaroo. I chuckled a bit in the midst of the pain. "What the crap are those?", I asked. "These are Chacos, boss", he replied whilst double-dipping a chip in the guac, "God's gift to feet."





Chicks diggit.






Thus began an awkward love affair... not with Kyle (I'm married... to a girl), but to this particular brand of sandal. I was hesitant at first. My traditionally punk rock roots forbade such an eccentric footwear. The webbing and black rubber sole would have clashed tragically with my torn jeans and black t-shirts. As my college years progressed, however, I found that I could no longer resist the call of the Jerusalem cruisers. So, with fear and trembling, I bought my first pair of Chacos on sale for $50.

Immediately I was thrust into a world of magic and adventure. Within the first two weeks of donning these kicks I grew a patchy granola beard, much to the dismay of everyone around me. Showering became optional, as did laundering my haggard Dickies and homemade flannel shirts. I habitually completed my sentences with the word "bro" or some mutation of the word "dude" (i.e. duder, dudestein, duuoouude, dudeness, or dud) and started sizing up buildings, bridges, and road signs by their climbability. Despite my minimal experience in rock climbing, I would pause during my daily stroll to class in front of the art building on the Penn State campus, size up the assortment of pillars and seams between the bricks, spit into a nearby bush and mutter, "I'd handle that dude".

I've since toned down my pursuit of the backcountry granola brah stereotype. But still, every time I strap up those webbing and rubber monsters, my 3 chest hairs grow an extra millimeter, my voice deepens an octave, my hair tangles into a bed-headed train wreck, and I glare at the nearest stone structure... spit... and mutter, "I could send that brah".





Big Ups To:
NYC. Nice 'burgh. Props to Steve, Bjorn, Blake, Eric, Mandy, Derek, that dude who showed me a picture of his Ducati for no reason, assorted cab drivers, the subway system, street meat, schmearing, and all the good folks at Sacred Tattoo.

Listen To Some:
Northstar, "For Members Only Acoustic"

Still Awesome:
Puppies.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

I've Been Given Permission to Dance if I Want To, Even If It Means Leaving My Friends Behind

OYEZ OYEZ MY FRIENDS! I have ascended the veritable pinnacle of consumer bliss, and good gravy on a Honda hatchback is the view spectacular. When prehistoric man constructed a system in which monetary units could be exchanged for goods and services, he no doubt awoke one night in his dimly-lit cave exclaiming, "HOLY CRAP I CAN'T WAIT TILL SOMEONE INVENTS THE SCOTTS 16" ELITE PUSH REEL MOWER!"

CUE THE FREAKING CHORUS OF ANGELS:



I know, right? I swear this little hunk of Chinese steel glowed when I opened the box (some assembly required). I wept openly as I gently screwed the hefty carriage bolts into the perfectly molded plastic wing nuts, wondering all the while if this is what God felt like when He so beautifully crafted the first Pop Tart. Empowered, enlightened, enveloped by a heavenly aura of excited sweat and packing peanuts, I stormed out of my house into a driving rainstorm followed closely by Mia, our canine house guest who happens to be the great-great-great grand daughter of one of Hitler's bitches. Determined to wield my new instrument of lawn and garden nad-kickery in spite of the inclement weather, I quickly chose a patch of particularly unruly yard-fro and proceeded to TEAR. IT. UP.

...until the second pass when I hit a gargantuan dog turd.

Day? Ruined.



Big ups to:
Marty Krider. You do your thang, girl.

Diggin' on:
Steve Kelly's newest ear candy, This Is A Standoff.

Confession:
I hate classic rock.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

that was intense... really intense.


the updated life goal list -

STUFF TO GIT DONE BEFORE I BITE IT:

- get my $8 from murph
- legitimize the manskirt phenomenon
- climb 5.11 naked
- set myself on fire for program
- ride an irish wolfhound through a crowd of people while wearing a toga and carrying an american flag
- figure out exactly who shot the deputy
- sport nappy dreads and homemade clothing
- live with nate scott, tom burkholder, and danny rose again
- be truly homeless for awhile
- play this song on guitar
- own a dog named guster
- finish a public speech by lighting a cigarette, taking a long drag, pointing with it between my fingers, and exhaling to emphasize my final point
- get that chevy camaro crashing into an american flag whilst being lifted by an eagle carrying a "these colors don't run" banner tattoo on my back that i've always wanted
- punch a member of nickelback
- watch every zombie movie ever made
- get a book published
- be the posterboy for something... preferably honey graham o's or some kind of firearm company
- meet tupac shakur... i assume he's hiding somewhere in canada
- disrespect the state of texas just a little bit
- kill a wolverine with my bare hands. how hard could it be?



big ups to:
the sawyer family, the tis's's's, crooked creek ranch, the taylor's, and the letter 7.

listen to some:
john butler trio... while sitting in a lawn chair... wearing jorts

giddy as steve feather at a harry potter release party about:
getting a puppy/the impending summer here at the beach/watching 'away we go' in june